I must interject to let you know that I am not an expert on adoption. What I do know is that every adoption story is different. What remains the same is that you hope for the best and expect the worst. And expecting the worst is not only scary, it could cost thousands of dollars. In order to adopt a newborn in the U.S., we should expect to pay $10,000 to $30,000. Quite a big range if I do say so myself. Not only that, but you must have an agency, a description of what kind of newborn you want and a profile book that shows the birth mom how great you are and why she should pick you. This sounds almost as wrong to me as the medical stuff. I don’t want to pick, I don’t want to create a book, I just want it to happen! Why is this so difficult?! Not to mention that we were not planning on paying for a baby, so we don’t have an extra “just in case the worst happens” $30,000 to spend.
Of course, it is not only a monetary thing, but in order for the agency to see that you’re fit to parent, you must show them that you have mourned the fact that you are not going to have biological children. This is still very raw for me. I have to accept that our children will not ever have our eyes, our smile, our laugh, our demeanor, our personality, and a million other things I can think of. And although these things should absolutely not be a big deal, I can’t seem to shake them. I hate myself for even thinking that these things are a big deal (revert back to the procreation thoughts). Every child deserves to be loved and have a home, no matter the way the look, think or feel. I know this and I know both Joey and I have the capability to love any child that comes through our door. It’s the process leading up to this that makes you think, question and go crazy.
What about adoption out of foster care, you ask? We did go to a seminar and the government will pay you to adopt these children. We learned all about it; the good the bad and the ugly. I have the utmost respect for the women and men who parent foster children. This is a shot in the dark. You have to really come into the mindset for this. There are counseling services, seminars, an entire community dedicated to help you raise foster children. These kids desperately need someone to love them and stick by their side through their hard times. These children have been stripped from their homes and their lives have been shattered, most likely more than once. It is heartbreaking and I wish I was the person to take them on. All of them. I’m not saying that I won’t ever be that person, I truly look forward to the day I am strong enough for this, but the chances of us getting a newborn out of the foster care system are slim to none and, right now, my mind is set. I want a child to love and mold from the start. From their first tiny little breath. I want my chance to do this. I’m not saying I would be great, but I want to try and I want to have that experience. I know I am being selfish and I can’t help it. I wish every day that I could.
Some people dream of winning the lottery, I dream that someone will leave their newborn at the firehouse for Joey to bring home. Someone will knock on my door and a baby will be in a basket on my doorstep. Wouldn’t that be just perfect. I know it’s not that easy, but a girl can dream.
My Random Thought: There isn’t one. This post exhausted me.