As I sit here and wait for the arrival of my son, I remember a journal entry I wrote awhile ago. I wrote it at a time where my anxiety had gotten the best of me. My belly started showing, the reality of me actually being pregnant had hit, and I was in full panic mode. I was claustrophobic in my own body. My son (my thoughts) were suffocating me, I couldn’t get away and didn’t think I would survive another 5 months. I thought that getting my feelings out on paper would help. To look at this from afar and see what my life was really going to become. The bad and the good, with little left to question, so I could no longer be scared.
Things I’m most scared of… Loosing my independence Sharing Joey after 15 years of having him to myself The baby not being healthy Crying baby Not being patient Not sleeping Not being able to let go Responsibility Getting older Not being a good mom Not raising a contributing citizen Giving birth Getting my body back Not being mentally prepared Not living it up and remembering my non-mom times The unknown Things I’m most excited for… Seeing what he looks like Loving him unconditionally Watching Joey be a dad Hugs & kisses, lots of them, forever Holidays Seeing his personality Showing him the world Watching his amazement Going on walks and pushing him in the stroller Watching him sleep Taking care of him Showing him off Watching Joey teach him how to play catch Watching him grow up Taking him camping Dates with Joey as a mom & dad Being a family of 3 I know there are many more things I could put on the list, but by the time I wrote these down I couldn’t see through the tears. I know the reality is that I need to take it one day at a time. Yes, my belly can and will get bigger without popping. Yes, I will still sleep, at some point my body will require it. Yes, everything will get organized and put away in due time. Yes, I will be a parent and make decisions without thinking twice about them. Yes, being pregnant will eventually end and I will probably miss it. This will be my last post as a non-mom as JJ is due this week. I am scared and sad to say goodbye to the Janet I know, but I am so happy and excited to see the Janet that I will become. The anticipation of knowing my life will change at any moment is more than I can bare. I keep questioning, “Can life really get any better?” And from all of you mom’s and dad’s out there, I know the answer is yes. So, I will wait for my turn to experience life in all its glory as my son is born into this world. I will ooh and awe and stare at him for hours and wonder how we created something so magical and then wonder what the heck to do with him. But until then, I’m going to sit back, relax and try to enjoy this one last weekend as Janet the wife, friend, sister, aunt, daughter and all of the other titles I have accumulated over the past 33 years. I know the addition of my new title will come inevitably and soon enough.
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10/8/2013 1 Comment Today is the DayIt was February 8th and the tenth day after completing our IVF round. With each day that passed, I was looking for signs or symptoms of being pregnant; sickness, bloated, tiredness, ANYTHING. Our friends, Austin and Krista, had asked us to join them in Rocky Point for the weekend and since we didn’t want to be pacing around our house in anticipation of taking the pregnancy test on Monday, we decided to go. Just out of curiosity, and fully expecting the answer to be no, I had asked the doctor if we could schedule to take the pregnancy test three days early. Frankly, if I wasn’t pregnant (and I was assuming I wasn’t), I wanted to be able to drink my sorrows away on the beach. But to my surprise, the doc agreed and the morning we left for Mexico I went in for the blood test. They said we would have the test results by that afternoon. Mission accomplished.
Joey and I are driving to Mexico and, as you can imagine, the anticipation of that phone call was more than we could stand. We barley spoke a word for the entire 4+ hour drive. At 4pm we hit the border and NO PHONE CALL! We’re making our way to Rocky Point and 20 minutes into Mexico I realize that we no longer have phone service. I freak out! Really freak out. I tell Joey that we have to go back to the border where there’s service and wait. He adamantly disagrees. He thinks I’m crazy for even suggesting we sit on the Mexico border to wait, especially since its getting dark. He keeps driving. But this was one of the most important phone calls of our lives, so I did the only thing I could think of…I curse and threaten him. A few F-bombs were used and I told him that once we got to Rocky Point I was going to take the car and drive back by myself. I think he saw the no nonsense look on my face and it was persuasive enough for him to turn the car around and head back to the border. Whew…I think I deserve an Emmy for that performance! We find a parking lot, sit in the car (with it running), Joey rotating his head back and forth to make sure we don’t get car jacked, mugged or shot. We stare at the phone. Our life could change with one ring. COME ON! An hour passes. We’re sweating with anxiety and NO CALL! I finally decide to call the doctor’s office and…holy shit, it’s closed. Why the eff did I wait so long?! Now I’m mad at myself and we are both so frustrated. I leave a message for the on-call nurse. At this point we just want to know, take the pain away, we don’t care what the results are (ya right). It’s now 6pm. It’s definitely getting dark and Joey insists we leave because he doesn’t want to drive in Mexico in the dark. At that moment, the phone rings. I put it on speaker and we await the news. The nurse apologizes and says she wasn’t sure why we didn’t get a call. She blabs on about how they must have missed us on the call sheet. She then says “I hope you’re not too mad, because…you’re pregnant!” What!? Did we hear that correctly?! No way! Oh my God! Joey and I hug and kiss and both of us start crying. We were overjoyed and in disbelief. Our life will never be the same. Oh my God! All of the medicine, shots, anxiety, time and money have paid off. The emotional rollercoaster finally came to a stop. We’re pregnant! Holy crap! We couldn’t stop smiling and laughing with tears of joy. Joey gave me 5 minutes to call some family members before he bolted out of that parking lot. Everyone was so happy! We get to Rocky Point and Austin and Krista are waiting outside for us. They’re worried and wondering where the hell we have been for hours. We tell them that we have a good reason and gave them the news. It was a moment I’ll never forget; Krista was literally jumping and dancing around the room! We talked about it and celebrated all weekend. When the weekend was over, we couldn’t wait for the drive home so we could call everyone on speaker phone, tell them the news and hear their reactions. It could not have been more perfect! What an amazing beginning for this little life we created. |
AuthorHi! I'm Janet, a 35 year old wife, friend, daughter, sister, aunt, event planner and lover of life. My amazing husband of 9 years, Joey, and I struggled with infertility for 4 years. I welcome you to read my stories as I share my sometimes crazy thoughts on our journey through Archives
June 2014
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