3/30/2012 3 Comments The Curse of the InternetThose of you that know me, know that I love to look up things on the Internet. Come on, who doesn’t! Give me a topic and I can spend hours on it. Reading the best and worst of information and giving myself the authority to say what’s factual and what’s not. As you can imagine, my doctors love me for this and my friends who are in the medical field do too. I sometimes try to ban myself from the Internet, but how can I when the information is literally at your fingertips! One click of the mouse and you have thousands of articles right in front of you! Technology is amazing, how did we ever live without it.
One day, as I’m getting ready to go to sleep, I start thinking about my weight. Earlier in the day I felt as though I may have gained a pound or two. Now, I’m thin, so I’m okay with a few pounds, but what I really want to know is if it’s caused by the medication I’m taking and if so, how many pounds should I be preparing myself for. Sooooo…I grab my iPhone off my nightstand and start doing some research. Sure enough, the medication says right on it “weight gain”. Welp, that explains it. Of course it doesn’t say how much I should expect so, I guess I just need to keep my eye on it because if this doesn’t work, I’m sure as hell not going to gain a ton of weight for nothin’. I continue my search and next on the list is anxiety. I knew it! I totally knew I was hearing voices in the house the other day and now I have confirmation that this medicine is making me crazy. I go over to the chat forums to continue my “research”. There was one lady who had so much anxiety, it combated the weight gain and she actually lost weight. And there was another lady who had to go on anxiety pills the third day of the medication because it made her so crazy. Oh man, I hope those voices don’t come back? Should I go to the doctor and tell them about it? Maybe I need more pills? Do I need to put a stop to this before it gets worse? I go back to the list of side effects and there it was. It was like a curse that came to haunt me. INSOMNIA. I already have trouble going to sleep and now it's inevitable, I’m never going to get to sleep. Ugh! Why did I read that!? Why did I ever pick up my phone? I should have listened to everyone. I’m so mad at myself. Can’t I just pretend I didn’t read it? How am I going to get this out of my mind? I laid in bed with my eyes wide open for the rest of the night, making vows to myself to never do that again. A week later I’m headed to my “baseline” doctor’s appointment. This is when they draw blood and look at an ultrasound to see if I’m responding to the medication. The day before, my medication dose was increased, so I’m assuming everything isn’t going as well as planned. I’m skeptical anyway, so upping my dose didn’t help. Anyhow, the doctors just keep saying everyone responds to the medication differently and some people may have 20 follicles and some people may have less than 10 (follicles are what house the eggs before ovulation). Obviously you want more, so you have a better chance of getting a good one out of it. At my baseline appointment they only find four larger follicles. Now, I’m not sure what this means and no one seems too concerned about it except me, so...you guessed it, I turned to the Internet. All over the screen I read about women who have follicles in the double digits. And some of those women didn't even get pregnant. I read an article from a doctor’s site that said they don’t do the procedure unless there are at least five good follicles. Holly crap! I’m one short! What are they going to do? Will all of this be cancelled? Have I been torturing myself with shots for nothing? What are we going to do if it’s cancelled? OMG! I tell Joey about my new found information and he scolds me for searching around, he knows good and well where it got me last time. Since he’s not responding to my crisis, I guess I’ll just let it be. The doctor called me later in the day to say that everything is on track. Whatever that means, and I’m positive she’s just saying that so I don’t freak out. Ummm, too late. My Random Thought: All in all, I’m actually feeling pretty good. Maybe all I needed was a shot in the ass to get me going!
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3/28/2012 6 Comments Shots Shots Shots...Everybody!Every night I have to get 3 shots, sometimes 4 if the medicine runs out of one of the cartridges and I have to finish getting the dose with a lucky extra shot. There is no piece of candy or smiley face sticker I get at the end of the appointment. Nope, every night I get these shots at home, with my poor husband, mom and best friend sharing the duty. I’m sure they all wish I got them at the doctor’s office because I am not a good patient and I'm getting worse by the day.
What the doctor suggests is that I give myself the shots. Makes sense since someone may not always be home. But have you ever tried to do this? If so, and you were successful, I need some tips. I would rather get stuck in an elevator (I'm claustrophobic) than give myself a shot. But I attempted it. One day when no one else was home, I had no choice but to give it to myself. I counted down the minutes; I have to get them at the same time every night. I was dreading it, and second by second I knew what was coming. I prepared all of the shots and thought that if I watched TV at the same time, it wouldn’t be so bad. I grab a piece of my stomach and sit there with the needle just close enough to my skin not to touch it. Three, two, one…............I can’t, I can’t do it. Deep breath, threeeeee, twooooo, one...............…god dammit. Ugh! Okay, no count down this time, just watch the TV and pick up the needle and jab it in (like I’m going to catch myself off guard). Reeeaaady NOW.............…I can’t do it. Shit. Why am I such a pussy! I know that it’s only going to hurt for a second, but to see the needle go into the skin…I’m sweating. I take out an orange and an avocado and “practice” on those. I know damn well that it’s not going to feel the same as sticking those fruits, but I’m trying to get a sense of how hard I have to push to get it in the skin. A half hour goes by and I’m still counting down, trying to stick myself. I bounce one right off my skin, I don’t know how, but there’s a bruise. This shot session is going downhill fast and yep...I’m now hysterical. Crying my eyes out and totally pissed off at myself. I’m pathetic, I can’t do it. I tried and I just can’t bring myself to do it. I’m going to call Joey and just tell him that this is ridiculous and I can’t do it anymore. This is stupid. That’s it, I’m giving up. It’s just not meant to be. I know how upset he’ll be with this news, so I sit and cry and dwell on it for a few more minutes. The next best thing to do is, of course, call mom. I call my mom, who just so happens to live around the corner, and she tells me to come over and she’ll give me the shots. Why the hell didn’t I just do this 40 minutes ago? What could I possibly have to prove to myself by giving myself a shot? I swallow my pride and arrive defeated. She gives me a big hug, we cry for a minute, and then she gives me the shots. As I walk out the door, in true dad form, my dad sarcastically says, “Welp, did that hurt”. Of course it didn’t and now I’m even more pissed at myself for making such hoopla out of it. It would have hurt less if I would have just given it to myself and went to freakin’ sleep an hour ago. I text Joey and tell him I got the shots and don’t feel like talking. He texts me back and says how proud of me he is for trying so hard. I guess this will all be worth it. Nonetheless, I will not be attempting to give myself any more shots. I ain’t too proud to beg. I have enlisted three people to administer the shots so far and yes, you could be next. Raising a child takes a village and, in my case, getting pregnant does too. And the saga continues: Joey would like me to add that while I was at my mom's house, he had been calling my phone. By the tenth try he thought I had passed out, hit my head on the table and had convinced himself that he needed to come home to revive me. Luckily, I texted him before he left the station. Oh, the drama, all over a little half-inch needle! My Random Thought: I've been feeling pretty good and today I thought I was all pieced together until I went to the bathroom and my underwear was on inside out. 3/26/2012 3 Comments My Silver LiningEvery once in a while I take a step back and try to look at my life from the outside in. I think everyone should try to do this every now and again. It gives you a new perspective on life; what you're doing and where you're headed. It allows me to speak with an angelic tongue and also be the devil’s advocate (for those of you who don't know me, this is a role I love to take on regularly). It definitely demonstrates my true Gemini traits and, no doubt, keeps me grounded. I realize that no one is entitled to have children. I have never felt this way. Joey and I do not feel as though something that should have been given to us, has been stripped away. Is it a blow to the gut? Yes. But never once have we played the “poor us” card. We realize there are no guarantees in life and that’s what keeps us all on our toes and thriving. Right now, it is a struggle every day, but we know there is an end in sight and we will live on, with or without a child of our own. This is the journey that Joey and I have decided to take. You may not agree with it and that is okay. These choices are what makes us all human and a part of an amazing society. In fact, before I was in this situation, I did not agree with it. In the very first doctor’s appointment, I said that I would not go this far. This was reserved for people who are desperate and that, we are not. But, here we are. I don’t know if I feel more desperate for a child or for answers at this point, or if I even feel desperate at all, which could be the reason I’m having such a hard time with all of this. But when you’ve gone so far with something and the answer is within reach, the temptation is harder to resist than anyone could ever imagine. I feel as though the word “desperation” is used when you’ve hit rock bottom. I don’t feel that this is a place I’m in and I don’t think I will ever be there. The truth is that if we don’t have kids, I will get Joey all to myself for the rest of my life and that, to me, is a winning scenario. We can do what we want, when we want, and not answer to anyone. We can continue to spend our weeknights cooking dinner, sipping a glass of wine and watching our favorite sitcoms. On a whim, we can pick up and go wherever we want, with our only boundary being the funds to do it. We could live like we did in our early twenties; footloose and fancy free. We flew by the seat of our pants and the World was our playground. I can vividly remember that place in time and I definitely wouldn’t mind going back. The worst thing that could happen is that I don’t get pregnant. That is the worst. When you put this in the perspective of “worst case scenarios” it’s actually not that bad. We will have to adjust and figure out where to go from there. Our goals, our dreams, our life will change. But my life will go on with a loving husband, an amazing family, and friends that I never get enough time with even if it’s hours on end. My life is good. It’s fantastic actually. The dream of having my own child sometimes slips so far in the distance, I allow myself to think about life without, and it’s not looking too shabby. My Random Thought: Every once in a while I deem a song as my “theme song”. It’s been “Teenage Dream” by Katy Perry for quite a while. But as I was hiking the other day, I heard a song and related it to my future child. I was hiking and crying, which lead to hyperventilating, so I stopped to look at my phone screen to see what it was. “A Thousand Years” by Christina Perri. A theme song to Twilight. Ha Ha, just perfect! I laughed, realizing how ridiculous I was being, caught my breath and went on my way. 3/23/2012 6 Comments The Disappearing ActSo, the process starts and I’ve lost it. All of it. I’ve handed over my morals. What is left of me? I’m not motivated to work out or eat healthy. I started to eat meat, I don’t care about using environmentally friendly products, I don’t care about having a clean house and my laundry has piled sky high. Everything I stood for means nothing, so why even try. I feel like I’m spiraling out of control and disappearing one limb at a time. Is this really the best option of the three? I question myself every day on it. There are so many unknowns in this process, I have control over NOTHING!
For those of you who are unaware of the IVF process. Let me fill you in (sorry, I try to not make the blogs very descriptive, but in order to keep following you will want to know). Think of it as ovulation on steroids. They use medicine to simulate the ovulation process and try to capture as many eggs as possible to fertilize. Everything is printed out on a scary timeline. There are shots for stopping the communication between your brain and your ovaries so the doctors are in complete control, and there are shots for growing as many eggs as possible in your ovaries. Once all of the shots are complete, they harvest your eggs (yes, just as though you were a chicken on a farm). You hope to have multiple eggs for them to use and choose from because not all of the eggs will be good. Once they have the eggs, they gather the male counterpart and put them together in a Petri dish. Side note: they inject one sperm into the egg in hopes that they will work together and be perfect. I thought that was crazy because what I actually thought is that they put the one egg in a dish of a lot of sperm and they choose each other, like love at first sight. But, I was just living in my dream world again and unfortunately, it’s not as romantic as this. Anyway, while you’re at home, the embryo grows for a few days in the dish. After those few days you will find out if you have any viable ones and if you do, they are put back inside you. Ten excruciating days later you will find out if any are thriving and if you are pregnant. Obviously there are many variables in this and many things that can go wrong. I just keep telling myself that all we need is one. One surviving embryo that wants to be with us. One little bunch of cells that we can love and cherish all the days of its life. And hopefully, by the time this all takes place, I will have reappeared as my normal self. My Random Thought: Why does new makeup make a girl feel so damn good? I’m banned from Ulta until this process is over with. 3/22/2012 1 Comment Money vs. MoralsA few months pass (still no pregnancy) and my boss, of all people, had suggested I look into my medical insurance (we were currently using Joey’s) and you’ll never guess what I found…my insurance will cover 80% of the cost of ALL treatments. What? How is this possible? I’ll tell you how. My insurance abides by the standards set by the parent company, which is in Illinois and Illinois is a mandated state for treatment. Every treatment imaginable is now within our reach.
I’m sure, by now, you have realized that I over-think EVERYTHING. Why does this new found information not excite me? I’m realizing that they’re winning. The doctors, the protocol, society, the “system”, they are all winning. I never wanted medical treatment to be the answer and now how can I deny it? And why do I have to resist? Why can’t I just play along? Why does treatment feel so wrong, yet so many people feel that it’s so right? We visit the doctor again and she, of course, is excited by the insurance news. She reminds me that I may not have many eggs left and my fertility age is around 39, not the 31 that I am or the 25 that I feel. Tick, tock, the clock is ticking. Decisions have to be made and there is not much for me to choose from. Adoption maybe in a few years, give up on the dream of having my own, or more aggressive treatment. Is this all I have? Please, someone, give me more options. I really don’t want to choose from any of these. I feel like someone grabbed me, threw me on the medical table, strapped me down and is saying, just relax, it will all be over soon. We do another round of IUI (artificial insemination); just to play the odds to see if it would happen without more aggressive and invasive treatment. By this time around we were pros. We curbed the excitement, curbed the hope, so we weren’t as disappointed when we got the negative test result. THAT'S IT. I’m over it. I’m handing my body over to science. I’m just going to be one big experiment. You win. I do want to be pregnant, but now I really want to know why nothing is working. It should have worked. What the hell is wrong with me? I need answers. I’ll put my big girl panties on and stop throwing my temper tantrum. IVF (invitro fertilization) here I come and you’ve probably never had a patient like me. My Random Thought: If you hear me saying that the FBI is after me, please turn me into a mental institution ASAP. 3/20/2012 6 Comments Adoption 101So, at this point you may be wondering; why aren’t you just adopting and forget all of this other madness? That is the same damn thought that I keep having. And if it were only that easy, we would have done it by now. It SHOULD be that easy for crying out loud. There are thousands of kids out there without a home. It is all so frustrating.
I must interject to let you know that I am not an expert on adoption. What I do know is that every adoption story is different. What remains the same is that you hope for the best and expect the worst. And expecting the worst is not only scary, it could cost thousands of dollars. In order to adopt a newborn in the U.S., we should expect to pay $10,000 to $30,000. Quite a big range if I do say so myself. Not only that, but you must have an agency, a description of what kind of newborn you want and a profile book that shows the birth mom how great you are and why she should pick you. This sounds almost as wrong to me as the medical stuff. I don’t want to pick, I don’t want to create a book, I just want it to happen! Why is this so difficult?! Not to mention that we were not planning on paying for a baby, so we don’t have an extra “just in case the worst happens” $30,000 to spend. Of course, it is not only a monetary thing, but in order for the agency to see that you’re fit to parent, you must show them that you have mourned the fact that you are not going to have biological children. This is still very raw for me. I have to accept that our children will not ever have our eyes, our smile, our laugh, our demeanor, our personality, and a million other things I can think of. And although these things should absolutely not be a big deal, I can’t seem to shake them. I hate myself for even thinking that these things are a big deal (revert back to the procreation thoughts). Every child deserves to be loved and have a home, no matter the way the look, think or feel. I know this and I know both Joey and I have the capability to love any child that comes through our door. It’s the process leading up to this that makes you think, question and go crazy. What about adoption out of foster care, you ask? We did go to a seminar and the government will pay you to adopt these children. We learned all about it; the good the bad and the ugly. I have the utmost respect for the women and men who parent foster children. This is a shot in the dark. You have to really come into the mindset for this. There are counseling services, seminars, an entire community dedicated to help you raise foster children. These kids desperately need someone to love them and stick by their side through their hard times. These children have been stripped from their homes and their lives have been shattered, most likely more than once. It is heartbreaking and I wish I was the person to take them on. All of them. I’m not saying that I won’t ever be that person, I truly look forward to the day I am strong enough for this, but the chances of us getting a newborn out of the foster care system are slim to none and, right now, my mind is set. I want a child to love and mold from the start. From their first tiny little breath. I want my chance to do this. I’m not saying I would be great, but I want to try and I want to have that experience. I know I am being selfish and I can’t help it. I wish every day that I could. Some people dream of winning the lottery, I dream that someone will leave their newborn at the firehouse for Joey to bring home. Someone will knock on my door and a baby will be in a basket on my doorstep. Wouldn’t that be just perfect. I know it’s not that easy, but a girl can dream. My Random Thought: There isn’t one. This post exhausted me. 3/20/2012 0 Comments Docta Docta Give Me the NewsNow, don’t get me wrong, I think natural healing is fantastic. If I felt more confident in what I was doing, was more dedicated, and actually had something I knew to fix, it may have worked. I’m very glad I went this route first and I continue to use the healing benefits of food and herbs. I really wish I had a natural healing miracle story to tell you. I was always hoping that I could fix myself. Darn it.
Enough time had passed that I was able to convince myself that THIS time around I could find a fertility specialist that would find something more; something that could be fixed easily and I’d be on my way. Doctor by doctor, no one had the answer. I mean, they all had an answer, DOR, but it was never the answer I was looking for because DOR cannot be “fixed”. I even went to a more “natural” doctor to search for some answers. No matter what, the outcome always seemed to lead to medicine. Big sigh. So, I just picked a doctor. I do like her, she didn’t wow me, but that’s probably because I’m searching for an answer that no one can give me. I mostly picked her because she is female and if I'm going to be having multiple exams (down there) then I would rather have a her than a him. She recommended we try IUI (aka artificial insemination). She definitely had us convinced that this would be it! I, too, couldn’t think of any reason why it wouldn’t work. They know when I ovulate and then inject me with the goods. Mother Nature should take it from there, right? We’ve made it super easy for her. Everything is in place. Round one came and went, same blows for round two and I was about ready to tap out. My Random Thought: You’re lucky. I saved you from my post titled: What is the purpose of life? Yikes... 3/15/2012 3 Comments The Crazy Train(Hop on board and hold on tight. Cooo cooo!)
I was pretty content for a while, but a few more months passed and I realized something was missing. Have you ever tried to change your mind about something that you didn’t really want to change your mind about? Let alone, something you’ve had your mind set on for years? I don’t know why I thought my outlook on my future would just change so easily. As soon as I "convinced" myself that I could live without kids, a new, much more challenging and pressing question arose; who am I now? I've lost my idenity and I thought this was supposed to happen only after you had kids. My life was on a path, straight forward, and now I've been forced to turn. Reminiscing on my younger years, I'm forced to ask myself the dreaded question; what am I going to be when I grow up? My job, my house, my car…I’ve set myself up to only do one thing, be a mom. Let the craziness begin. I have to be like Oprah. Yes, this was my thought. All I could think of is that if I don’t have kids, I must do something great. I must be something great. It wouldn’t be right if I don’t have kids and I don’t do something awesome with my life. I see mom’s taking care of their kids and also doing great things and they only have half the amount of time I have. What the hell am I going to do with myself? These thoughts did not go away. Day after day I was trying to convince myself that kids were not the answer. They were not going to make me whole and that I too could be Oprah. I tried to convince myself that the world was overpopulated and bringing more kids into it could only do harm. I would see other people with crying kids and tried telling myself that this is not what I want. Why would I want THAT? I kept questioning things like; why is it that humans want to procreate, what is in our genetic makeup that gives us the urge to do this and how can this be changed? And we all know the answer to this…it can’t. Back to the drawing board. My Random Thought: Don’t judge me; I already know I’m crazy. 3/14/2012 1 Comment Another WaySo my journey began. I used to think that knowledge was power, now I just think it’s maddening. I Googled everything under the sun and started my library of fertility books, searching for another way. Any other way than having to take drugs. It just seemed so wrong.
I decided to give acupuncture a try. Have you ever done this? It was quite relaxing. It pretty much made me feel like I was in a trance and high on drugs. Kind of a nice break from what I was really feeling. Along with the needles they wanted me to drink herbal tea. Let me tell you, it did not taste anything like tea. Pure awfulness. I gagged every time I tried to drink it. They gave me tricks to get it down, like I was 5 years old and taking cough medicine. I couldn’t do it. I drove from North Glendale to Downtown Scottsdale twice a week for about 3 months. $90 every time I went, not including the tea. No pregnancy. Next up was my diet. No gluten, no sugar, no alcohol, no…anything. It was my fertility diet. I read that you must eat cooked vegetables, beans and eggs because these are the best nourishment for your body and they don’t sway your glycemic index. It made perfect sense to me, but it was oh so difficult. I tried, I really did. I wasn’t as strict as I should have been and now looking back, I could have done more. But to go through this much work to have a baby, come on….this is crazy. People get pregnant after a one night stand! Why do I have to have to get poked with needles and eat cooked vegetables? But I was sure I could “cure” myself. Drinking concoctions and sticking to the diet as much as I could. In my eyes, I should have been very fertile. Every month that passed I thought it could be the one. I didn’t play volleyball, didn’t drink and didn’t by new clothes in hopes that within a few months I wouldn’t fit in them anyway. Slowly this began to fade. You can’t live like this. You just can’t. My fertility diet turned into just eating healthy, I picked up volleyball again and went on a shopping spree. I was getting back to “normal”. I was so over it all that I almost thought I would just be okay without kids. It was easier to think this way than live the way I was. My Random Thought: Are you telling me this whole time I could have not used any birth control? 3/13/2012 0 Comments The Diagnosis(Men, I won’t feel bad if you leave now.)
Or should I say the non-diagnosis. The only thing the doctors can come up with is DOR, Diminishing Ovarian Reserve. And yes, it’s exactly what you think. I don’t have many eggs left. What?? So you’re telling me that somehow, someway, they have all made their way out of my body. How is this possible? You’re born with PLENTY to go around. Haven’t you seen 19 Kids and Counting? There’s no denying it, it’s true. In my case it is a quality over quantity situation. The quality is good the quantity is bad. But my question still remains; what’s the problem? I have the goods, maybe not many of them, but they’re there. You've told me and shown me that they’re there, so why aren’t they cooperating? Silence. Unfortunately, there is no answer to this, so I’m left questioning why my body is not working as it should and, of course, the bigger question of what do we do now? Luckily, I’m not the only one in this. My husband has the great pleasure of helping me decide and calming my craziness over it. There are many medical options out there, drugs, IUI (aka artificial insemination) and IVF. But did I mention that I was a vegetarian, eating organic, using all natural products, exercising, etc., all to get ready to have a baby? And now you want me to swallow pills and shoot myself with drugs and leave this process in the hands of science. I don’t think so! Well at least not right now. My Random Thought: Don’t deny it, after reading my last post, your thinking, that b*tch's life was perfect, she deserves a challenge. Don’t worry, I’ve had the same thoughts about you. |
AuthorHi! I'm Janet, a 35 year old wife, friend, daughter, sister, aunt, event planner and lover of life. My amazing husband of 9 years, Joey, and I struggled with infertility for 4 years. I welcome you to read my stories as I share my sometimes crazy thoughts on our journey through Archives
June 2014
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