4/23/2012 7 Comments You Can't Always Get What You WantThe test came back negative. I'll post a little later when I feel like writing.
This has rocked our boat, but has not tipped us over. I have no doubt we will fish out the oars and keep on paddling. Thank you for all of your support along this journey. My Random Thought: But if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need. ~ The Rolling Stones
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4/23/2012 1 Comment The Best Sister EverMy sister wrote about me in her last blog, so instead of me writing, I decided you should just read her’s.
It just goes to show how many people are affected by the struggle of infertility. It goes beyond you and your husband. It also consumes your family and friends. I am so thankful that I have had an amazing support team behind me. I truly appreciate all of the prayers and messages that have been sent to us along this journey. Your thoughtfulness to even think of us in your hectic lives is very humbling. The good vibes that have been sent our way have helped us stay positive through a process that is just about unbearable. I can’t thank you enough for your support and love. Val, you are the most thoughtful sister anyone could ever ask for. Our bond is unbreakable and I'm so blessed to call you my sister and best friend. I have truly enjoyed sharing your journey through motherhood. You have given me three precious niece(s) and nephew(s) that I look forward to seeing grow up and sharing in your crazy journey through life. I love you so very much. To read Val’s blog go here: http://www.pinkcheeksblog.com/ P.S. While you're there, read some of her other blog posts too. They are hilarious! 4/19/2012 5 Comments Tick Tock Tick TockThe days, hours, minutes are dragging, I feel like I can hear the seconds ticking by one at a time.
I’m still in the waiting phase. I think I have almost convinced myself that I’m not pregnant. I know, I know, I shouldn’t have any “signs” yet, but for the past couple years, I’ve been pretty in-tune with my body and I’ve definitely had other months where I felt more pregnant than I do right now. I actually feel better than normal, which is very odd and I hope that when the results are given to me, I feel the same way I do now, because right now I feel like I can take the blow. Maybe this waiting thing is good. I know it sounds crazy, but maybe it’s there for a reason. I feel like I’m in prison. I know that doesn’t sound like a “good” thing, but it’s giving me the motivation to break out. I am so ready for the freedom of just knowing. The waiting drives you to the brink of madness and now I’m just over it. Either way, just tell me already! Break the news to me so I can be free. Free to lift over 20 pounds (btw my purse weighs over this amount), free to have a glass of wine, free from shots, free to think about my future; the next week or the next year. Until the results are given to me, my life is in limbo. I’m on hold AND following guidelines that are preventing me from just living life. I’m sure once I have the results, I will feel completely different. Either I’ll feel that the wait was totally worth it or I’ll wish that I was still waiting so that I didn’t have to face reality. But until then, the only option is to stay in prison. Wondering what the outcome will be, but knowing full well that the chances are slim to none. I’ve researched adoption agencies again. Joey and I talked about waiting a year before we did anything else, but I’m not sure if I can do that. I’m ready to be a mom now and I’m not sure if it’s something that you can just put on hold. Most of the adoption agencies say that it will most likely take a year or more for anything to happen anyway, so why not just start the process and be on their waiting lists. In the meantime, we can save as much as we can and just figure out how to get the rest. Where there’s a will, there’s a way, right? Anyway, it may be too early to talk about any of this. Who knows how I’ll feel next week. I can still see myself in a Mini Cooper convertible with my hair blowing in the wind too. Unfortunately, the only thing I can’t see is me being pregnant. My Random Thought: Am I on the road to a tri-life crisis? I heard it's the new trend and I just painted my fingernails with the ring finger being a different color and my hair is currently in a side ponytail! Well, when it’s written, it definitely doesn’t sound as cool as it actually looks. 4/15/2012 3 Comments Roll The DiceSometimes in the game of life you have to roll the dice and take a chance. Sometimes you win big and sometimes your left with what you came with, but you always hope it’s not a loosing game.
On Wednesday we went in for implantation. As I mentioned before, we had two that were “on the fence” and two that were looking good. As we prepared for the procedure, the doctor came in to tell us that the two that were on the fence stopped growing on day two and were not viable. The two that were good grew slower than they had hoped and are now the ones “on the fence”. I had a million questions, of course. Many that she didn’t have an answer to, but she said that the "good" embryos were about a day behind what they usually like to see. Both were at 9 cells and at this point, they should be so many cells that you cannot physically count them. It took me a while to wrap my brain around this. We thought we were going in to choose how many to implant and now there’s not many to choose from. She tells me that just because they are a day behind, does not mean that they won’t catch up. The hope is that they do better in my body and there is still a possibility for one or two little humans to come out of this. As I try to keep the mood light, I tell her my analogy of the slot machine, “Do you put $.50 in to try to win big or do you put one quarter in at a time for two chances?” She looks at me, keying into the fact that I really don’t understand what she’s telling me, and says that the two that you have cannot be frozen. They are not good enough quality to freeze and will not survive. There’s our answer. We are all in. I hold it together for the procedure. I watch on the screen as they flush the two embryos we have into my uterus. I don’t know if I’m supposed to smile or act excited, but I lay there emotionless. She hands me a photo of the ultrasound with the two embryos placed, which I really just felt like tossing as soon as we left because I'm sure that this is going to end just as our other attempts did. As we’re walking out, Joey says one word, I don’t even know what it was, but all I could do was cry. Reality is staring me in the face. It's just too much for the moment. For four hours after the procedure I couldn’t even talk. Every time I tried to think of something to say, I just started crying. So disappointing. I’ve laid here for two days on “bed rest” switching my thoughts from one extreme to the next. I’ve researched Mini Cooper Convertibles and also added baby names to our ongoing list in hopes that I’m actually pregnant. I’ve planned a trip to Italy and looked at decorations for a baby’s room. There is no way for it to not be on my mind, but to put someone on bed rest, to just lay here and think, after something like this is nothing less than awful. I did get to spend some quality time with Joey. He waited on me, cooked gourmet meals and we watched movies every night. It's been nice. It reminds me that if this doesn't work out, I know we'll still have a great life together. I have been trying to prepare him, making sure he understands that the odds are really against us. I don’t want him to be as disappointed as I’m going to be. I know what the outcome is looking like, but I can’t seem to convince myself enough to loose all hope. I wish I could. I guess there is no choice but for it to be dragged out in an excruciating long and painful wait. My Random Thought: I'm sure my gambling references are coming from the fact that Joey is off on another boys weekend, this time in Vegas. He didn't get the memo from the last blog. 4/9/2012 2 Comments Patience is a VirtueNothing is as bad as the wait. All of the shots, blood draws, meds and procedures cannot compare to the wait. I should go back and read some of my previous blogs because at this point, I have forgotten most of the past. Anticipation, hope and excitement have replaced most of the turmoil and heartache. It’s like a band-aid has been taken off of an old wound to reveal almost healed skin.
On Saturday we had the egg retrieval. I went in with anticipation. I wouldn’t have called it excitement because at this point I had no idea what they would find. We knew we could see nine follicles on the screen, but my guess was as good as any on what we would actually be left with. Frankly, I didn’t want to think about it anymore. I couldn’t wait for the anesthesiologist to come in with the drugs and put my mind at ease, even for a few minutes. The procedure only took 30 minutes. I woke up and couldn’t wait to hear what they found. Joey was reluctant to tell me, I could see it on his face. He tells me that they retrieved four good eggs. I was in slight disbelief until the doctor came in and she told me the same thing. I began to cry. I wasn’t sure what my magic number would have been, but I expected more than half to be good. She tells me that the other follicles were “empty”. I use this term loosely because it actually doesn’t mean that they were empty, but something was wrong with the egg and it didn’t release from the follicle properly, so it cannot be used. This goes along with my Diminishing Ovarian Reserve and could be the reason I had not been pregnant in the past. Even though we saw follicles every month, it does not mean that they housed good eggs. She rubs my shoulder and reassures me that we only need one and yes, of course, I understand this concept, but I never want to do this again. It is just too much. If I had a few more than four, our chances should be greater of getting two or three out of the whole process. There is still a long way to go. They need to survive fertilization and implantation and at this rate, it’s not looking as good as I had hoped. We were sent home to spend the rest of the day on the couch. Sitting and thinking. The next day they would call us to tell us how many fertilized. I know I had some meds in me, but it was the calm before the storm. I had done my job and now there was nothing left for me to do. There was nothing else I could do. It is all in the hands of the scientist and he/she better do a damn good job! Joey and I watched movies and played games to take our minds off of it all. We didn’t talk about it much. I’m not sure if we even talked about it at all. We just went to bed knowing that the next day would be a big one for us. Sunday morning arrived and all I could think about was the phone call. What could they have found? How many survived? I have to know and I have to know now. How can I function today knowing that my future is riding on a phone call? Ugh! The wait is horrible. Every time the phone rang, I thought I was the doctor calling with bad news…I know I was being very pessimistic at this point, but if I expected the worst than I wouldn’t be as heartbroken. Hours went by with no phone call and I knew something was wrong. The wait was excruciating. Yesterday, the doctor told me that they don’t give news of zero embryos without you coming into the office, so by one o’clock I just figured that they would call me in the morning and schedule an appointment. At one forty-five I got the call. Not from my doctor, but from the lab technician, so I’m thinking this must be a good sign. He tells me that two of the four have fertilized properly and the other two are on the fence. They will let all four grow to see what happens, but for now, we have the implantation scheduled for Wednesday. On Wednesday we will see what we have to work with and make some decisions then. I hang up the phone. Joey shows a big smile and throws his hands up in the air with joy and relief. I put the phone down and try to comprehend. I imagine I have the type of reaction parents might have if they pick up the phone and hear a police officer on the other end, “Your child is okay, but they are in big trouble”. Thank gosh they are alive, but how disappointing. A few tears stream down knowing that only two have made it, but then I smile knowing we have two to work with. Holy crap, there’s two! At least two! We were thinking there wouldn’t be any and now there are two. Two groups of cells that are ours and that have been made up of our DNA. It’s crazy to think that they are the beginnings of human beings. I’ve never ever been pregnant before and although these are not in my body, it may be as close to pregnant as I’ll ever feel. I just can’t believe it. It’s truly mind boggling. In the beginning we thought there was no chance and now the possibility is so close. I know there are still hurdles. Frankly, we don’t even know if I can carry the embryo. This may have been a problem from the start, but for now we know that there is a possibility. Our cells actually like each other and together we have created something we never thought we could. They already have their genetic makeup and now they just need to develop. It is amazing and scary all at the same time. When we bring ourselves back to reality, we realize that we are functioning at a fifty percent survival rate. Fifty percent of the eggs survived retrieval, fifty percent survived fertilization and hopefully at least fifty percent will survive implantation, which only leaves us one. And that is all we can hope for. My Random Thought: Can’t I just tell the doctor I’ll pick it up in 9 months? 4/6/2012 4 Comments Mind Over MatterAn interesting conversation came up the other day that had to do with mind over matter. Now that I look back, this conversation seems to have come up multiple times since we’ve decided to take the plunge and do IVF. Many people seem to believe that getting pregnant has everything to do with mind over matter. If you don’t believe it will happen, it never will. I’m not sure how I feel about this, mainly because these people are pretty much calling me crazy. Am I crazy? Could I have controlled all of this with my mind? And if so, why didn’t someone tell me this much earlier and I could have done some mind magic?
As the conversation continues, a friend tells me that you can’t actually control it. It’s all in your subconscious and you can’t knowingly fix it. Welp, there’s a problem. If I can’t knowingly fix it, how the hell is it supposed to get fixed? Was I supposed to do daily affirmations? Treatment? Mental institution? So, now I feel like I have to defend myself. I didn’t ALWAYS think I wasn’t going to get pregnant. There was a time in the beginning that I really thought it would happen. I could visualize it. We were dreaming about names and what our children would look like. I was convinced it would happen. Now, what my subconscious was telling me, I don’t know, but I was definitely seeing it all play out and I was confident in the process. As months and years went by, of course my mind changed and I had doubts that it would ever happen. But when we did IUI for the first time, that hope came back and I absolutely thought it was going to work. After that didn’t work, I reverted back to the mindset of not ever being pregnant. Can you blame me? What I do know is that if it is truly mind over matter, someone needs to tell me how to alter my mind quick before this whole thing goes down. The next conversation was about stress. There’s too much stress, too much planning, too much (fill in the blank) to get pregnant. I’m trying to use my method of looking at my life from the outside in. Yes, my job is sometimes stressful, whose isn’t. Yes, I’m always busy and I have trouble relaxing. Yes, I’m always planning stuff and most things have to be done perfectly. Yes, my adrenaline always seems to be pumping through my body (some people call that anxiety). But all in all, I thrive off of this stuff and love the way my life is. It’s exciting and social and exhilarating. You have plenty of time to relax when you die. If I love this stuff, is it still called “stress”? I really don’t ever feel “stressed”. Not so much that I feel that it would affect my bodily functions. I try to stay cool, calm, and collected (and busy). Only once in my entire life have I ever heard anyone say, “You look stressed out”. Only once! So why now do people think I’m so stressed out? And how am I supposed to fix it? I did acupuncture for 4 months, I took yoga, I read books. What am I supposed to do besides tranquilize myself? Joey tells me last night that he and his buddy came up with a theory on why so many women have trouble getting pregnant these days. It all comes down to WORK. Working women have work stress and are up and about all day long. This is why there are so many pregnant homeless people. I laugh, not that this is a crazy theory, it definitely may have validity to it. Working women like to plan; plan their work calendar, plan their days off, plan to tell their bosses and their co-workers. Accidental pregnancies aren’t cool in the workplace. Work is going to sustain their families, so it has to be taken into consideration. More women are working these days and there are more cases of infertility than ever. There is really only one way to fix this problem, the men must step up to the plate and work harder to make more money, so that we can all sit around on our asses and spend our time doing the non-stressful things that we love. Doesn’t that sound lovely. I wonder if Joey was volunteering to start this trend? I ask Joey, flat out, “Do you think IVF is going to work?” He says “Yes”, and I ask him, “Why?” He points to his head and says, “It takes your mind out of the equation”. Well, if I didn’t feel crazy before, I sure as hell do now! I’m not sure if he thinks it’s the mind over matter theory, or if he thinks I have/create too much stress, or if he just thinks I think about things too much (is there a term for this). I do know that he means well and he can't seem to wrap his mind around all of this either. He knows that I’ve tried multiple things to curb any stressers and he also knows that I don't really feel like anything needs to be done about it. Maybe he sees something I don't. But do we think this can be true? Is the mind so powerful that it can put up a shield between the sperm and the egg or block an embryo from implanting? It sounds crazy and not possible, so I’ll probably do some research to see if there's any validity behind it and then think about it for days. ....I guess that says it all. P.S. Since this post, my cousin suggested that I look up the difference between distress and eustress. If your interested, you should do the same. My Random Thought: I might be collecting eggs on Easter...weird. This weekend was relatively uneventful as far as this entire process goes. Everything is “on track” and besides my constant questioning of the emotionless nurses (if they used some sort of inflection in their voice, maybe I could pick up on what I’m actually “on track” for; scoring big or failure) I didn’t have much time to think about my feelings. What the heck? I usually over-think everything and now I’m drawing a blank. I pondered all weekend on what my next blog would be about. I was waiting for some sort of motivation, inspiration or funny story; but nothing. Friday, Saturday and Sun-day flew by. Joey was out of town in Carlsbad for a much needed boys trip and bachelor party. I was stuck at home trying to recruit friends to administer my shots each night, which I was very successful at as another friend gladly came to my aid. All in all, it was a good weekend…until late Sunday night.
At my Sunday morning doctor’s appointment, I had asked the nurse if she had a syringe that I could use for one of my medications. I didn’t prepare very well on Friday and I forgot to ask the pharmacist for extra syringes to get me through the weekend. The nurse found a syringe for me to take home and use that night. I knew it looked different from the ones I had been using, but I assumed I could figure it out. On Sunday afternoon, I grabbed my medicine bag and headed over to a friend’s house for dinner, a movie and a shot appointment. At around 9:30pm I started preparing my shots and as I was drawing back the liquid in my newly acquired syringe, I felt as though the amount was a bit excessive. But, I remember that on yesterday’s syringe the number was 5 and on the new syringe the number is .5. I figured that the .5 had to be the correct number and maybe even not enough. I convinced myself that this was indeed the correct amount, so I had my friend stick me. As she was pushing in the medication I remember thinking that it felt like much more than what I was used to. I brushed it off and figured I’d check when I got home. A few minutes roll by and my nerves start kicking in. I’m really feeling like something is wrong. I get in my car, head home and call Joey. I tell him what I think I did and I start panicking. The only way for me to know for sure is if I somehow get the top off of this damn red sharps container that I put my used syringes in and look at an old one. I take a knife to lid and still can’t open it. I tell Joey I’ll call him back. I grab some tweezers and shake the container to try to get one of the syringes to the very top and then I finagle it out through the tiny hole, like in a game of Operation. Oh my God, oh my God…I’m lining the syringes up and yep, I have definitely taken too much. If I line the syringes up it looks like I’ve given myself five times the dosage. Holy shit! I call Joey back, my heart is racing and my eyes are blurry from tears. I take a photo of what I’ve done, send it to him and we’re studying it. He has me read the numbers on the syringe. The old one says ½ cc units and the new one says cc units. We’re trying to do the math, which we are having a very hard time figuring out. I’m hyperventilating and now can’t talk. If our math is correct, I have actually given myself TEN times the dosage! Ten times! Ohhhh myyyy Gooooddd! It’s already in my body. There’s no getting it out. What am I going to do? I have effed up this entire process and now I might die! He tells me to go to the Internet to see what happens if I overdose on this medicine. First thing up says, “Call poison control”. Forget IVF, I’m gonna die! I can’t believe what I’ve done. I’m such an idiot. How did I do this? Stupid, stupid, stupid! I keep reading and my nerves calm down a bit as I read other infertility chat pages in which this same exact incident occurred and the women were fine. But that still doesn’t mean that I’ll be fine. I take a few deep breaths and he tells me to call the on-call nurse at our doctor’s office ASAP. Low and behold, my actual doctor was the one that was on call. Halleluiah! She calls me back and as soon as I hear her voice, I start crying. I don't want to tell her what I've done. I’m sure I’m going to disappoint her as much as I’ve disappointed myself. All of our work is headed right down the drain. She asks me how it happened and all I wanted to say through gasping and tears is that it happened because I’m an idiot, there’s no other explanation. She calms me down and says that everything should be okay. You can’t overdose on this medicine and it’s not affecting my precious follicles that I’ve worked so hard to get. Whew. She wants me to come into the office the next day for a blood draw to see if I’ve done anything harmful (so you’re saying there’s a chance, ugh). I call Joey back and tell him that everything should be fine and to have fun for the rest of the trip. But…what I really wanted to tell him is that while you were frolicking in the sand all weekend with your boyfriends, I was getting shots. And since you weren’t home, I had to find random people to help me, and since random people were helping me, they didn’t notice that they were giving me TEN times the amount! You're the idiot that left me here by myself. And frankly, I’m the one that needed a damn vacation! Maybe I was being a bit excessive, but I was really thinking I needed someone to blame. So this must be why they suggest giving the shots to yourself. And as I’m drowning in the mess I’ve gotten myself into, I realize that I have another shot that I still have to give…to myself, dammit Joey! But the first time’s a charm. Either it really didn’t hurt that bad or I was too upset to care, but it worked! And in my moment of despair, I felt kinda proud of myself. My Random Thought: I really like buying anything and everything that has “World’s Best” or “World’s Famous” on it. I’m sure most of these products are self-titled, but someone gave it that title so they must think it’s the best, which means I have to try it. So, I was thinking that if this blog has a short ending, my new blog would be titled “World’s Best” and I would review and rank everything I purchase with this title. First up is the World’s Best kitty litter I just bought. |
AuthorHi! I'm Janet, a 35 year old wife, friend, daughter, sister, aunt, event planner and lover of life. My amazing husband of 9 years, Joey, and I struggled with infertility for 4 years. I welcome you to read my stories as I share my sometimes crazy thoughts on our journey through Archives
June 2014
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