3/22/2012 1 Comment Money vs. MoralsA few months pass (still no pregnancy) and my boss, of all people, had suggested I look into my medical insurance (we were currently using Joey’s) and you’ll never guess what I found…my insurance will cover 80% of the cost of ALL treatments. What? How is this possible? I’ll tell you how. My insurance abides by the standards set by the parent company, which is in Illinois and Illinois is a mandated state for treatment. Every treatment imaginable is now within our reach.
I’m sure, by now, you have realized that I over-think EVERYTHING. Why does this new found information not excite me? I’m realizing that they’re winning. The doctors, the protocol, society, the “system”, they are all winning. I never wanted medical treatment to be the answer and now how can I deny it? And why do I have to resist? Why can’t I just play along? Why does treatment feel so wrong, yet so many people feel that it’s so right? We visit the doctor again and she, of course, is excited by the insurance news. She reminds me that I may not have many eggs left and my fertility age is around 39, not the 31 that I am or the 25 that I feel. Tick, tock, the clock is ticking. Decisions have to be made and there is not much for me to choose from. Adoption maybe in a few years, give up on the dream of having my own, or more aggressive treatment. Is this all I have? Please, someone, give me more options. I really don’t want to choose from any of these. I feel like someone grabbed me, threw me on the medical table, strapped me down and is saying, just relax, it will all be over soon. We do another round of IUI (artificial insemination); just to play the odds to see if it would happen without more aggressive and invasive treatment. By this time around we were pros. We curbed the excitement, curbed the hope, so we weren’t as disappointed when we got the negative test result. THAT'S IT. I’m over it. I’m handing my body over to science. I’m just going to be one big experiment. You win. I do want to be pregnant, but now I really want to know why nothing is working. It should have worked. What the hell is wrong with me? I need answers. I’ll put my big girl panties on and stop throwing my temper tantrum. IVF (invitro fertilization) here I come and you’ve probably never had a patient like me. My Random Thought: If you hear me saying that the FBI is after me, please turn me into a mental institution ASAP.
1 Comment
krista
3/22/2012 05:56:21 am
Janet! I say do it girl. I have four friends who have had to go this route and had to pay for it. All four now have there own little ones at home. What a blessing. We live in a world of technology and I can see your point of view for sure but sometimes we just need a little help. If there is anything I have learned this year its that there is nothing wrong with a little help. I will be praying, thinking, finger crossing, wood knocking, rabit foot rubbing for you...xoxo live rabit foot that is...lol
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AuthorHi! I'm Janet, a 35 year old wife, friend, daughter, sister, aunt, event planner and lover of life. My amazing husband of 9 years, Joey, and I struggled with infertility for 4 years. I welcome you to read my stories as I share my sometimes crazy thoughts on our journey through Archives
June 2014
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