I’m sure, by now, you have realized that I over-think EVERYTHING. Why does this new found information not excite me?
I’m realizing that they’re winning. The doctors, the protocol, society, the “system”, they are all winning. I never wanted medical treatment to be the answer and now how can I deny it? And why do I have to resist? Why can’t I just play along? Why does treatment feel so wrong, yet so many people feel that it’s so right?
We visit the doctor again and she, of course, is excited by the insurance news. She reminds me that I may not have many eggs left and my fertility age is around 39, not the 31 that I am or the 25 that I feel.
Tick, tock, the clock is ticking. Decisions have to be made and there is not much for me to choose from. Adoption maybe in a few years, give up on the dream of having my own, or more aggressive treatment. Is this all I have? Please, someone, give me more options. I really don’t want to choose from any of these.
I feel like someone grabbed me, threw me on the medical table, strapped me down and is saying, just relax, it will all be over soon.
We do another round of IUI (artificial insemination); just to play the odds to see if it would happen without more aggressive and invasive treatment. By this time around we were pros. We curbed the excitement, curbed the hope, so we weren’t as disappointed when we got the negative test result.
THAT'S IT. I’m over it. I’m handing my body over to science. I’m just going to be one big experiment. You win. I do want to be pregnant, but now I really want to know why nothing is working. It should have worked. What the hell is wrong with me? I need answers.
I’ll put my big girl panties on and stop throwing my temper tantrum. IVF (invitro fertilization) here I come and you’ve probably never had a patient like me.
My Random Thought: If you hear me saying that the FBI is after me, please turn me into a mental institution ASAP.