I realize that no one is entitled to have children. I have never felt this way. Joey and I do not feel as though something that should have been given to us, has been stripped away. Is it a blow to the gut? Yes. But never once have we played the “poor us” card. We realize there are no guarantees in life and that’s what keeps us all on our toes and thriving. Right now, it is a struggle every day, but we know there is an end in sight and we will live on, with or without a child of our own.
This is the journey that Joey and I have decided to take. You may not agree with it and that is okay. These choices are what makes us all human and a part of an amazing society. In fact, before I was in this situation, I did not agree with it. In the very first doctor’s appointment, I said that I would not go this far. This was reserved for people who are desperate and that, we are not. But, here we are. I don’t know if I feel more desperate for a child or for answers at this point, or if I even feel desperate at all, which could be the reason I’m having such a hard time with all of this. But when you’ve gone so far with something and the answer is within reach, the temptation is harder to resist than anyone could ever imagine.
I feel as though the word “desperation” is used when you’ve hit rock bottom. I don’t feel that this is a place I’m in and I don’t think I will ever be there.
The truth is that if we don’t have kids, I will get Joey all to myself for the rest of my life and that, to me, is a winning scenario. We can do what we want, when we want, and not answer to anyone. We can continue to spend our weeknights cooking dinner, sipping a glass of wine and watching our favorite sitcoms. On a whim, we can pick up and go wherever we want, with our only boundary being the funds to do it. We could live like we did in our early twenties; footloose and fancy free. We flew by the seat of our pants and the World was our playground. I can vividly remember that place in time and I definitely wouldn’t mind going back.
The worst thing that could happen is that I don’t get pregnant. That is the worst. When you put this in the perspective of “worst case scenarios” it’s actually not that bad. We will have to adjust and figure out where to go from there. Our goals, our dreams, our life will change. But my life will go on with a loving husband, an amazing family, and friends that I never get enough time with even if it’s hours on end. My life is good. It’s fantastic actually. The dream of having my own child sometimes slips so far in the distance, I allow myself to think about life without, and it’s not looking too shabby.
My Random Thought: Every once in a while I deem a song as my “theme song”. It’s been “Teenage Dream” by Katy Perry for quite a while. But as I was hiking the other day, I heard a song and related it to my future child. I was hiking and crying, which lead to hyperventilating, so I stopped to look at my phone screen to see what it was. “A Thousand Years” by Christina Perri. A theme song to Twilight. Ha Ha, just perfect! I laughed, realizing how ridiculous I was being, caught my breath and went on my way.