On Wednesday we went in for implantation. As I mentioned before, we had two that were “on the fence” and two that were looking good. As we prepared for the procedure, the doctor came in to tell us that the two that were on the fence stopped growing on day two and were not viable. The two that were good grew slower than they had hoped and are now the ones “on the fence”. I had a million questions, of course. Many that she didn’t have an answer to, but she said that the "good" embryos were about a day behind what they usually like to see. Both were at 9 cells and at this point, they should be so many cells that you cannot physically count them. It took me a while to wrap my brain around this. We thought we were going in to choose how many to implant and now there’s not many to choose from. She tells me that just because they are a day behind, does not mean that they won’t catch up. The hope is that they do better in my body and there is still a possibility for one or two little humans to come out of this. As I try to keep the mood light, I tell her my analogy of the slot machine, “Do you put $.50 in to try to win big or do you put one quarter in at a time for two chances?” She looks at me, keying into the fact that I really don’t understand what she’s telling me, and says that the two that you have cannot be frozen. They are not good enough quality to freeze and will not survive.
There’s our answer. We are all in.
I hold it together for the procedure. I watch on the screen as they flush the two embryos we have into my uterus. I don’t know if I’m supposed to smile or act excited, but I lay there emotionless. She hands me a photo of the ultrasound with the two embryos placed, which I really just felt like tossing as soon as we left because I'm sure that this is going to end just as our other attempts did. As we’re walking out, Joey says one word, I don’t even know what it was, but all I could do was cry. Reality is staring me in the face. It's just too much for the moment. For four hours after the procedure I couldn’t even talk. Every time I tried to think of something to say, I just started crying. So disappointing.
I’ve laid here for two days on “bed rest” switching my thoughts from one extreme to the next. I’ve researched Mini Cooper Convertibles and also added baby names to our ongoing list in hopes that I’m actually pregnant. I’ve planned a trip to Italy and looked at decorations for a baby’s room. There is no way for it to not be on my mind, but to put someone on bed rest, to just lay here and think, after something like this is nothing less than awful.
I did get to spend some quality time with Joey. He waited on me, cooked gourmet meals and we watched movies every night. It's been nice. It reminds me that if this doesn't work out, I know we'll still have a great life together. I have been trying to prepare him, making sure he understands that the odds are really against us. I don’t want him to be as disappointed as I’m going to be. I know what the outcome is looking like, but I can’t seem to convince myself enough to loose all hope. I wish I could. I guess there is no choice but for it to be dragged out in an excruciating long and painful wait.
My Random Thought: I'm sure my gambling references are coming from the fact that Joey is off on another boys weekend, this time in Vegas. He didn't get the memo from the last blog.