As I sit here and wait for the arrival of my son, I remember a journal entry I wrote awhile ago. I wrote it at a time where my anxiety had gotten the best of me. My belly started showing, the reality of me actually being pregnant had hit, and I was in full panic mode. I was claustrophobic in my own body. My son (my thoughts) were suffocating me, I couldn’t get away and didn’t think I would survive another 5 months. I thought that getting my feelings out on paper would help. To look at this from afar and see what my life was really going to become. The bad and the good, with little left to question, so I could no longer be scared.
Things I’m most scared of… Loosing my independence Sharing Joey after 15 years of having him to myself The baby not being healthy Crying baby Not being patient Not sleeping Not being able to let go Responsibility Getting older Not being a good mom Not raising a contributing citizen Giving birth Getting my body back Not being mentally prepared Not living it up and remembering my non-mom times The unknown Things I’m most excited for… Seeing what he looks like Loving him unconditionally Watching Joey be a dad Hugs & kisses, lots of them, forever Holidays Seeing his personality Showing him the world Watching his amazement Going on walks and pushing him in the stroller Watching him sleep Taking care of him Showing him off Watching Joey teach him how to play catch Watching him grow up Taking him camping Dates with Joey as a mom & dad Being a family of 3 I know there are many more things I could put on the list, but by the time I wrote these down I couldn’t see through the tears. I know the reality is that I need to take it one day at a time. Yes, my belly can and will get bigger without popping. Yes, I will still sleep, at some point my body will require it. Yes, everything will get organized and put away in due time. Yes, I will be a parent and make decisions without thinking twice about them. Yes, being pregnant will eventually end and I will probably miss it. This will be my last post as a non-mom as JJ is due this week. I am scared and sad to say goodbye to the Janet I know, but I am so happy and excited to see the Janet that I will become. The anticipation of knowing my life will change at any moment is more than I can bare. I keep questioning, “Can life really get any better?” And from all of you mom’s and dad’s out there, I know the answer is yes. So, I will wait for my turn to experience life in all its glory as my son is born into this world. I will ooh and awe and stare at him for hours and wonder how we created something so magical and then wonder what the heck to do with him. But until then, I’m going to sit back, relax and try to enjoy this one last weekend as Janet the wife, friend, sister, aunt, daughter and all of the other titles I have accumulated over the past 33 years. I know the addition of my new title will come inevitably and soon enough.
1 Comment
Amanda $
10/26/2013 08:28:48 am
I can fully agree with this list! Can't wait for you and Joey to meet JJ! He is one loved and lucky baby!
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AuthorHi! I'm Janet, a 35 year old wife, friend, daughter, sister, aunt, event planner and lover of life. My amazing husband of 9 years, Joey, and I struggled with infertility for 4 years. I welcome you to read my stories as I share my sometimes crazy thoughts on our journey through Archives
June 2014
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