If you ignore something, does it ever go away? I know what you're answer will be...It may go away for an hour, a day, a week, and a month is stretching it, but it will always be there. I tried this. After the failed procedure I just didn't want to think about it anymore. It's just too much. When you’re in the thick of things, it's crazy. You're crazy, literally. You're mind is going a million miles a minute, every move you make could have a adverse effect on what you're trying to accomplish. You know daily what you're body is doing and what's not going right with it and frankly, it's better just to know your heart is beating and you're breathing. Living. For these reasons, I thought we would never do it again.
So, for the last couple months I haven't "thought" about it. I didn't want to. I was over it. Yes, I still want a family, but not as much as I thought I did after THAT process. Joey and I could still have a fun and fulfilling life on our own, right? We've had weddings and parties to attend, people to see. I purchased gifts for our friend’s and family’s children, thinking that this would fill the void. We could just be the fun couple without any kids. We've kept ourselves busy. Joey got into medic school with the Fire Dept. and I took up guitar lessons. We're planning the upcoming holidays, a big vacation and looking forward to our future, just the two of us. Or so I thought.
Months are passing by much quicker than I anticipated. I had birthday, 32. Yet another reminder that time will tick on whether or not we want it to. My ovaries are getting older. With the rate the doctor gave me, they're probably 40 by now and on their way to extinction (okay, maybe an exaggeration, but nonetheless). And we have yet to miraculously get pregnant on our own time.
So after a few months of "ignoring" it, we decided we really need to think about it again. Do we want children at all, do we want children of our own blood, do we want to adopt? One answer cannot wait, so we must decide whether or not to take action.
I'm on another "diet" or I should call it a "change in dietary lifestyle", because I hope that I actually stick to this one, for my health, pregnancy would just be a huge plus. I'm trying to stay away from gluten, dairy and meat. So what do you eat, you ask? Veggies, fruits, beans, whole grains, rice, nuts, etc. I'm not super strict on it, but I'm trying and within the past couple weeks I've felt much better, so I'm sure that is a step in the right direction. I usually drink 1/2 cup of coffee in the morning and a few glasses of wine a week, which I'm also trying to get out of my diet, but I'm not going to lie, those are going to be much more tricky. I've added CoQ10 and wheat grass supplements to my routine because I read some shenanigans on the Internet about those. Anything right?
I'm visiting a new acupuncturist this afternoon. He seems to have done a lot of research on infertility and I'm hoping he will have some insight for me, along with poking me with needles in just the right spots to increase my chances (sounds crazy, I know).
So, you guessed it, we're going the natural route...again. But this time full force. No questioning or guessing involved, just doing it (no pun intended). Which also means we're risking months of much needed eggs for the possibility that this may work (but no pressure). If this doesn't do the trick, we will plan on doing another round, and for sure the last round, of IVF in the spring. I will then be right around the corner from my 33rd birthday and going on our 5th year of trying to have a family, which makes me cringe with disbelief.
Let's hope it doesn't get that far. My hope is that one day I will update this blog with a "Surprise, I'm Pregnant!" post, which will bring me back to the age of 28 and the plan from the begining.
My Random Thought: Facebook has turned into a children’s photo album. As much as I love seeing the kids, what happened to my cousins, sister & friends? Did they disappear once they gave birth? Does mother/fatherhood make you non-existent? As I search for a glimpse of them in the background or in a reflection from a mirror, I’m questioning if there’s really life without.