As the conversation continues, a friend tells me that you can’t actually control it. It’s all in your subconscious and you can’t knowingly fix it. Welp, there’s a problem. If I can’t knowingly fix it, how the hell is it supposed to get fixed? Was I supposed to do daily affirmations? Treatment? Mental institution?
So, now I feel like I have to defend myself. I didn’t ALWAYS think I wasn’t going to get pregnant. There was a time in the beginning that I really thought it would happen. I could visualize it. We were dreaming about names and what our children would look like. I was convinced it would happen. Now, what my subconscious was telling me, I don’t know, but I was definitely seeing it all play out and I was confident in the process. As months and years went by, of course my mind changed and I had doubts that it would ever happen. But when we did IUI for the first time, that hope came back and I absolutely thought it was going to work. After that didn’t work, I reverted back to the mindset of not ever being pregnant. Can you blame me? What I do know is that if it is truly mind over matter, someone needs to tell me how to alter my mind quick before this whole thing goes down.
The next conversation was about stress. There’s too much stress, too much planning, too much (fill in the blank) to get pregnant. I’m trying to use my method of looking at my life from the outside in. Yes, my job is sometimes stressful, whose isn’t. Yes, I’m always busy and I have trouble relaxing. Yes, I’m always planning stuff and most things have to be done perfectly. Yes, my adrenaline always seems to be pumping through my body (some people call that anxiety). But all in all, I thrive off of this stuff and love the way my life is. It’s exciting and social and exhilarating. You have plenty of time to relax when you die. If I love this stuff, is it still called “stress”? I really don’t ever feel “stressed”. Not so much that I feel that it would affect my bodily functions. I try to stay cool, calm, and collected (and busy). Only once in my entire life have I ever heard anyone say, “You look stressed out”. Only once! So why now do people think I’m so stressed out? And how am I supposed to fix it? I did acupuncture for 4 months, I took yoga, I read books. What am I supposed to do besides tranquilize myself?
Joey tells me last night that he and his buddy came up with a theory on why so many women have trouble getting pregnant these days. It all comes down to WORK. Working women have work stress and are up and about all day long. This is why there are so many pregnant homeless people. I laugh, not that this is a crazy theory, it definitely may have validity to it. Working women like to plan; plan their work calendar, plan their days off, plan to tell their bosses and their co-workers. Accidental pregnancies aren’t cool in the workplace. Work is going to sustain their families, so it has to be taken into consideration. More women are working these days and there are more cases of infertility than ever. There is really only one way to fix this problem, the men must step up to the plate and work harder to make more money, so that we can all sit around on our asses and spend our time doing the non-stressful things that we love. Doesn’t that sound lovely. I wonder if Joey was volunteering to start this trend?
I ask Joey, flat out, “Do you think IVF is going to work?” He says “Yes”, and I ask him, “Why?” He points to his head and says, “It takes your mind out of the equation”. Well, if I didn’t feel crazy before, I sure as hell do now! I’m not sure if he thinks it’s the mind over matter theory, or if he thinks I have/create too much stress, or if he just thinks I think about things too much (is there a term for this). I do know that he means well and he can't seem to wrap his mind around all of this either. He knows that I’ve tried multiple things to curb any stressers and he also knows that I don't really feel like anything needs to be done about it. Maybe he sees something I don't.
But do we think this can be true? Is the mind so powerful that it can put up a shield between the sperm and the egg or block an embryo from implanting? It sounds crazy and not possible, so I’ll probably do some research to see if there's any validity behind it and then think about it for days.
....I guess that says it all.
P.S. Since this post, my cousin suggested that I look up the difference between distress and eustress. If your interested, you should do the same.
My Random Thought: I might be collecting eggs on Easter...weird.