I was pretty content for a while, but a few more months passed and I realized something was missing. Have you ever tried to change your mind about something that you didn’t really want to change your mind about? Let alone, something you’ve had your mind set on for years? I don’t know why I thought my outlook on my future would just change so easily. As soon as I "convinced" myself that I could live without kids, a new, much more challenging and pressing question arose; who am I now? I've lost my idenity and I thought this was supposed to happen only after you had kids. My life was on a path, straight forward, and now I've been forced to turn. Reminiscing on my younger years, I'm forced to ask myself the dreaded question; what am I going to be when I grow up? My job, my house, my car…I’ve set myself up to only do one thing, be a mom. Let the craziness begin.
I have to be like Oprah. Yes, this was my thought. All I could think of is that if I don’t have kids, I must do something great. I must be something great. It wouldn’t be right if I don’t have kids and I don’t do something awesome with my life. I see mom’s taking care of their kids and also doing great things and they only have half the amount of time I have. What the hell am I going to do with myself?
These thoughts did not go away. Day after day I was trying to convince myself that kids were not the answer. They were not going to make me whole and that I too could be Oprah. I tried to convince myself that the world was overpopulated and bringing more kids into it could only do harm. I would see other people with crying kids and tried telling myself that this is not what I want. Why would I want THAT? I kept questioning things like; why is it that humans want to procreate, what is in our genetic makeup that gives us the urge to do this and how can this be changed? And we all know the answer to this…it can’t.
Back to the drawing board.
My Random Thought: Don’t judge me; I already know I’m crazy.