I’m still in the waiting phase. I think I have almost convinced myself that I’m not pregnant. I know, I know, I shouldn’t have any “signs” yet, but for the past couple years, I’ve been pretty in-tune with my body and I’ve definitely had other months where I felt more pregnant than I do right now. I actually feel better than normal, which is very odd and I hope that when the results are given to me, I feel the same way I do now, because right now I feel like I can take the blow.
Maybe this waiting thing is good. I know it sounds crazy, but maybe it’s there for a reason. I feel like I’m in prison. I know that doesn’t sound like a “good” thing, but it’s giving me the motivation to break out. I am so ready for the freedom of just knowing. The waiting drives you to the brink of madness and now I’m just over it. Either way, just tell me already! Break the news to me so I can be free. Free to lift over 20 pounds (btw my purse weighs over this amount), free to have a glass of wine, free from shots, free to think about my future; the next week or the next year. Until the results are given to me, my life is in limbo. I’m on hold AND following guidelines that are preventing me from just living life.
I’m sure once I have the results, I will feel completely different. Either I’ll feel that the wait was totally worth it or I’ll wish that I was still waiting so that I didn’t have to face reality. But until then, the only option is to stay in prison. Wondering what the outcome will be, but knowing full well that the chances are slim to none.
I’ve researched adoption agencies again. Joey and I talked about waiting a year before we did anything else, but I’m not sure if I can do that. I’m ready to be a mom now and I’m not sure if it’s something that you can just put on hold. Most of the adoption agencies say that it will most likely take a year or more for anything to happen anyway, so why not just start the process and be on their waiting lists. In the meantime, we can save as much as we can and just figure out how to get the rest. Where there’s a will, there’s a way, right?
Anyway, it may be too early to talk about any of this. Who knows how I’ll feel next week. I can still see myself in a Mini Cooper convertible with my hair blowing in the wind too. Unfortunately, the only thing I can’t see is me being pregnant.
My Random Thought: Am I on the road to a tri-life crisis? I heard it's the new trend and I just painted my fingernails with the ring finger being a different color and my hair is currently in a side ponytail! Well, when it’s written, it definitely doesn’t sound as cool as it actually looks.